Somebody come get her, she’s dancing like a stripper

Welcome back all you cool cats and kittens,

So during this lockdown period I decided to learn how to exotic dancing as a form of exercise. Now I have never been much of a runner and with the gyms closed I decided that this is something I could learn whilst also boosting my confidence.

I signed up to the wonderful Kitty Velour’s Patreon. You can check it out here. I threw caution to the wind and throw myself full force into learning the art of the exotic dance. I have to say, with her easy to follow tutorials, you can pick up moves incredibly easily. You can also check out Kitty on Insta here and Facebook here.

I went for her $22 a month subscription which came with all the tutorials I could get my hands on. Now let me tell you, I’ve been practising for around 2.5 hours a day… but it feels like no time at all.

Now as some what of a chubby bitch, I have never seen myself as “sexy” – I never thought that was a word I could pull off.

My version of trying to be sexy was awkward finger guns and the most over dramatic wink you’ve ever seen in your life. On my first evening learning, I was mid floor twerk and tried to pull out my awkward finger guns. This left me off balance, smashing my face against the floor. Thats right ladies and gentlemen, one of the first things I did in my exotic dance journey is try and knock myself out.

Once I got a handle on not trying to knock my own lights out, it turns out my chubby ass has a good amount of jiggle and doesn’t look terrible rubbish whilst twerking! Who knew! There are also tutorials for lap dancing, should you wish to learn how to rub that booty of yours against your chosen recipients lap.

I have been focusing mainly on floor positions and exercises and I can tell you, I had mad respect for exotic dancers before this; but now? They need to be worshiped as the gods and goddesses they are because fuck me, it’s a whole work out. I cannot imagine doing it for a full evening. If you need me I’ll be worshiping at the church of strippers from here on in. Suddenly it makes sense why their dances last a song at a time, this shit is a killer on your knees. Especially for a nearly 30 year old bitch like me. I ordered knee pads after day one, my living room floor isn’t as forgiving as a studio floor. The sweat pours off you as you roll your hips and try and do tick tock legs. It’s like a super intense cardio workout but fun.

Now as I already said I am an incredibly awkward woman. I don’t see anything remotely sexy about myself. However, when I am laying on the floor, ass in the air; I can start to see I have some of what they call sex appeal. Throwing my legs about in some six inch heels has me wondering if my legs have always looked this long and if they have; why didn’t I know about it? Have I ever looked this graceful throwing my hair around and sliding my hands through my legs like I know what I am doing.

In a few days I went from a minus number to a solid 50%. For anyone who knows me personally, you will know how much I struggle with my looks and confidence. Within a few days, I’m rolling about on the floor like I’m that bitch. Its empowering. I feel like I could control the world with my powerful legs and emotive body rolls.

I feel like I am regaining my power when it comes to being sexy. I never thought I’d say that. If you’ve ever had thoughts about taking classes or doing a class from home, do it. You wont regret it. I full endorse Kitty’s classes.

I’m also hyped as I have private pole classes happening with the Girl Cave once we are able to start classes after lock down. Am I terrified? Yes. Am I going to feel the fear and do it anyway? Hell yes. You’re gunna be seeing me in my seven inch heels throwing my body round a pole like my life depends on it. With my newly found talent for floor flailing, I’m clearly about to be the double exotic dance threat that no-one even knew they needed in their lives. Catch me in Popworld showing my talents on the badly secured pole, you know the one, we have all thrown ourselves around it more than once. You can check out the Girl Cave here.

This does lead me into another point. Even as a chunky bitch, I feel sexy and beautiful while I kitty pounce my way across my living room floor. Why do we feel the need to tie beauty to waist size? Recently Adele posted a photo on her 32nd birthday showing her weight loss and there was an influx of comments talking about how beautiful and fit she looks… now. Incorrect, Adele was always hot and slayed no matter her size. Size and beauty are not mutually exclusive. What do we have to do to get that recognised?

Someone is able to be chubby and beautiful. That is not a wild concept. We need to accept as a society that beauty comes in every size. Beauty comes with confidence. It comes with knowing who you are. You could be a size 2 or a size 22 and you’re still beautiful as long as you shine with who you are.

Your waist line doesn’t equate to who you are as a person. You can bring the beauty. You can bring the sexy. You’re fine as hell. You need to remember that.

If someone tries to ever throw the “but you’re beautiful”  when you’re having a moment about your weight, simply ask why you cannot be both? When did we as a society decide you had to be one or the other? I will scream the fact that the two are not mutually exclusive from the fucking roof tops,

To finish off let me say that I hope you’re all staying safe and well within these uncertain times.  I recently worked with Jamma on a Mental Health podcast you can listen to here. During these unstable and confusing times, it’s ok not to be ok. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can get in touch with me via my contact page here.

Stay home my sweets, stay safe.

Love always x


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s