Abuse.

Welcome back.

Today I’ll be looking at forms of abuse. Psychological, physical, sexual which all fall under the  domestic abuse category.

You may wonder why I have chosen to blog about this subject. Basically, a statistic released recently shows that when England loses a match domestic abuse rises by 38% on the same day and 11% the next day.

For those who know me personally, you will know this is a subject very close to my heart and as with mental health there is a huge stigma about this, this could be from a lack of understanding, some naivety or in some cases a lack of willing to accept this actually goes on.

I’ll break each one down below and what is included under each.

Psychological abuse

This includes; emotional, threats of harm or abandonment, deprivation of contact, humiliation, blaming, controlling, intimidation, coercion, harassment, verbal abuse  and isolation.

Physical abuse

This includes; assault, hitting, slapping, pushing and inappropriate physical sanctions.

Sexual abuse

This includes; rape, indecent exposure, sexual harassment, inappropriate touching and unknown or no consent given photography or video.

Domestic abuse

This includes;  psychological abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse and honour based violence.

I’m incredibly lucky to have never gone through any of the above myself, however someone very close to me has, this is why this has become a subject so close to my heart. Watching someone you know and love, going through half the things under the domestic abuse list and being so unable to help them, is honestly heart breaking. Seeing the photos of their bruised and battered faces and bodies and wishing you’d seen the signs earlier, done something, anything.

For those people going through this, I can’t even begin to understand, so I wont say I do, but I am here for you, I am here as a support network, a safe place, a hand hold, I am here for anything you need.

I would like to start by addressing some of the most commonly said things about abuse;

“Why didn’t you just leave?” 

“How are these people so weak, they need stronger minds?”

“How can you just accept this?” 

Why didn’t you just leave?

Once someone has control of you in this way, it’s not as easy as walking out the front door and saying bye Felicia. They threaten everything you hold dear, your children, parents, friends, pets; anything they can to get you to believe if you even thought about leaving, something would happen to them. It’s easier to stay and accept the abuse for some than bare the thought of someone or something they love being hurt or destroyed. The abuser will also threaten self harm or suicide to keep someone from leaving.

“How are these people so weak, they need stronger minds?”

These people aren’t weak, their spirit has been broken but they aren’t weak. As for needing a stronger mind, if you’re told you’re nothing, you’re worthless, you’re fat and no-one will want you, you’re disgusting enough times – that starts to sink in, you start to believe that is who you are, that’s all you can be. This is operant conditioning at it’s finest, as the more the person being abused does something thing the abuser doesn’t like/agree with, their behaviour is negativity reinforced. In operant conditioning, stimuli present when a behaviour is rewarded or punished come to control that behaviour. The stimuli here is the love recieved from what the abuser deems as “good behaviour” and the negative repercussions from what the abuser deems as “bad behaviour”

So it’s not as easy as simply having a stronger mind, it’s psychological training by the abuser.

“How can you just  accept this?” 

No-one accepts what’s happening to them, they simply accept the situation.

 

I’m now going to go into the whole “he’s / she’s not that type of person, they wouldn’t do  that!” We never know what goes on behind closed doors, you never know what a person is truly like and what their real capabilities are. If someone comes to you and tells you abuse is happening, do what you can to support them and encourage them to leave and talk to the police the best you can.

Lets look at some statistics;

Domestic abuse:

  • Will affect 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in their lifetime
  • Leads to, on average, two women being murdered each week and 30 men per year
  • Accounts for 16% of all violent crime (Source: Crime in England and Wales 04/05 report), however it is still the violent crime least likely to be reported to the police
  • Has more repeat victims than any other crime (on average there will have been 35 assaults before a victim calls the police)
  • Is the single most quoted reason for becoming homeless (Shelter, 2002)
  • In 2010 the Forced Marriage Unit responded to 1735 reports of possible Forced Marriages.

In addition, approximately 400 people commit suicide each year who have attended hospital for domestic abuse injuries in the previous six months, 200 of these attend hospital on the day they go on to commit suicide

104 women die every year from domestic abuse.

30 men die every year from domestic abuse.

 Over ten years 1040 women die from domestic abuse and 300 men die from domestic abuse.

What can you do to help someone / what can you do if you’re going through this?

For women: 24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline

0808 2000 247

The Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge, is a national service for women experiencing domestic violence, their family, friends, colleagues and others calling on their behalf.

The Helpline can give support, help and information over the telephone, wherever the caller might be in the country. The Helpline is staffed 24 hours a day by fully trained female helpline support workers and volunteers. All calls are completely confidential. Translation facilities for callers whose first language is not English, and a service for callers who are deaf or hard of hearing are available.

You can find their website here; http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

For Men: Men’s Advice Line

Call us Monday – Friday 9am-5pm on freephone 0808 801 0327

Calls to 0808 80 numbers are free to call from landlines and mobile phones within the UK and do not appear on itemised bills. They are also free to call from BT payphones.

Emailinfo@mensadviceline.org.uk

Men’s Advice Line: confidential helpline for men experiencing domestic violence from a partner or ex-partner (or from other family members). We help by: giving you time to tell your story; offering emotional support; providing practical advice; signposting you to other services for specialist help.

Find their website here; http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/

If you’re worried about someone you know, male or female, these lines can help and give you advice.

For those people going through domestic violence, you are not alone, this is not your fault. If you need support, I hope you have the confidence to call one of these numbers, but if you’re not feeling confident or strong enough, please drop me an email (chapellbethany@gmail.com)  and lets look at how we can make you safe. My home is open for you , we have a spare room, I make a good cup of tea and I can cook you whatever you like.

If  you’re not sure you are in a abusive relationship, you can take this test here; https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Please remember you are not alone.

You’re not at fault.

We do not judge you.

 

  • Details of support charities taken directly from their websites
  •  Domestic abuse statistics found here; https://www.lwa.org.uk/understanding-abuse/statistics.htm

 

 

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