I just wanted to thank everyone who helped me write this post, to all the mums, dads and grown children affected by being denied access to one of their parents. It really means a lot that you have taken the time to talk to me about your experiences and support me writing this piece. You have honestly touched my heart with your honesty and your stories.
I’m looking at parental access denial, meaning when the parent with custody of the child denies access to the other parent, but as part of this – I am also looking at parents who are simply not bothered to see their children creating their own lack of access and parents who are desperate to see their children but are being denied by the other parent. So in short, I will be looking at the denier and the denied, the unbothered and the product of this.
Please be assured that first of all this post isn’t in favour of mothers or fathers, its an unbiased look at this. I have spoken to both parents, got experiences and feelings from both sides and it would seem the feelings are the same – no matter what parental role you’re in. People break up and if there is children involved, it’s not always easy to co-parent, things happen and people sometimes simply don’t care.
Let’s get the nasty out the way first. There are people who use their child as a weapon, who will deny access simply on a whim it would seem. This isn’t right, so beyond right. If you’re one of those people, please, stop doing this. You’re not only hurting the other parent, you’re hurting your child. Mind games are shit and you’re messing with your child’s relationship with their other parent, simply because you know it will mess with the other person. If you’re arguing with the other parent and you don’t like what they say, even if it’s truth, don’t stop your child seeing them – the problem is not with how they treat and speak to the child, your denying a relationship just because you’re bitter.
This leads perfectly into parents who are desperate to see their offspring, but are being blocked by the parent who has custody, for small things such as they don’t like their new partner, or even larger things such as one parent cheated on the other and is now not allowed to see their child because of it.
Whatever happened in your relationship, unless it put or puts the child in danger, should not affect the relationship between a parent and a child.
You decided to bring a life into this world, you should be able to co-exist and be civil for the sake of that life. Some people will do anything to see their child and are blocked by the parental custodian at every turn, this has become evident after speaking to a few people in this position. After speaking to some of the denied, it would seem one big thing uniting them, it would seem the custodial parent has gotten into a relationship with a new partner and the new partner doesn’t like the denied or the denied has gotten into a new relationship and the custodial parent doesn’t like the denied’s new relationship.
As I previously stated, you need to be civil and co-exist for the sake of the child you brought into the world. Everyone deserves to be happy and it’s understandable if you don’t want the child introduced to the partner straight away, incase they aren’t a permeant fixture and the child gets attached – but blocking access completely? That’s ridiculous.
And the custodial parent’s new partner, just because you don’t like the ex, which happens to be the father / mother of your partners child, don’t be a absolute spanner and ruin a relationship between a parent and child because you have jealousy issues. When it comes to the child of two people, and you did not help create that human, and the denied parent is desperate for access, you do not get to decide if the child gets to see the absent parent, that is not your choice my friend. You can make concerns known, but at the the end of the day, the choice is not yours to make or enforce.
I completely understand that some parent’s drop the ball and aren’t fit to have a relationship with their child – however some sort themselves out for the sake of their child. Understandably, the trust has gone, so the parent has to do everything they can to prove they are now worthy. The question I have is, can people ever really change? Can they ever prove themselves enough to be trusted with their child again? What does someone have to do to prove themselves? Let me know in the comments below! Some situations, even if the parent has sorted themselves out, something’s are unforgivable. I’m very grateful for people who reached out about this and told me your stories and to be quite honest, I can completely understand why you have denied access, even though the person has sorted themselves out because the damage is done.
Now lets talk about the parent’s who simply want nothing to do with their child. People who constantly not only let their child down, make promises they cant keep and couldn’t give less of a shit about the life they helped bring into this world. Please be aware I am not talking about the people who have mental health issues and other valid reasons preventing them being available to their child here, I’m talking about the people who simply don’t give a shit.
Sometimes it’s better for everyone if they simply don’t care and don’t want to know, however I know for a lot of people they are desperate for the other parent to have some sort of relationship with their child, any sort of relationship and be involved.
People are begging for their children’s absent parent’s to get involved. Trying everything they can to no avail, leaving heartbroken children with broken promises and a bitter taste. You can’t expect for your children to forgive you or want anything to do with you when you have made no effort with your child. You can’t expect in 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years time, when your spawn is grown up and you’ve realised the huge mistake you’ve made by leaving the beautiful human you created behind, that they will want anything to do with you.
I will never understand the mentally of the parent’s who can give up the life they created because they simply have no interest. Don’t want a child, maybe look at some protection when you fuck someone? I don’t understand how you could voluntarily miss all those moments, those moments of the tiny life you created, the first words, the cool shit you can teach them, how can you honestly want to not be involved in that. My friend’s kids are cool as shit, I love teaching them things and I’m not even a parent.
Then there is the parent’s who were involved, then they split, they get a new partner and the new partner becomes a priority and the kids become an after thought. If a new partner asks you to pick between them and your kiddo(s), then to be quite honest, they are a massive bellend. Any decent person would never ask you to pick between themselves and your children and anyone who has done so; really needs to evaluate their lives and basically stop being such a dick. Could you be more selfish? You are not more important than a child’s relationship with their parent.
After requesting some help with this, a few friends of mine, who were subjected to forced access denial, or simply absentee parents as a child, spoke to me about their experience. These guys are bitter with the parent who denied access, hid things from them, leaving a strained relationship with both parents. This in turn has left them feeling lonely and isolated, with no real close bond to either parental unit.
What was the point of this whole piece I hear you ask? I just wanted to look over each side with an un bias view and give each side a chance to have it’s turn. I once again wanted to thank everyone who told me their story and helped me write this piece.
At the end of the day, do what’s best for your child and if that’s denying a parent access; then you have my full support, however if you deny a parent access because you’re a bitter asshat; then sort yourself out and do what’s best for your child.