Periods.

Welcome back.

Let’s go in on periods. Something half of Earth’s population has to go through on a monthly basis. Once a month, the lining of our uterus decides to bugger off out of us in celebration of us not being with child that month.

Great right? Lucky us having vaginas. Something natural that us ladies go through; yet it’s treated with such stigma and we pay “luxury” tax for the privilege.

Luxury tax, really? For something we didn’t want, we didn’t decide to have and something that our bodies are programmed to do. Cool. I have never personally thought as a tampon as a luxury item. I have never thought, oh here’s my period, let me bash out the most luxury of the items I own and use it to plug myself up. Yup. Super luxury.

I personally have never taken such a luxury item and relaxed with them; face mask and some Always night time pads stuck on my eyes. That’s the dream!

For you out there who don’t know what luxury tax is, it’s a product that is deemed non essential or unneeded.

Sorry – how is this unneeded? The average cost of a period in the UK is £500 a year. £500 a year. £500. So, not only do we get paid less for having a vagina, we have to pay more for having a vagina.

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What does it feel like to get a period? It feels like 5 billion horses are running in circles in your uterus and then all getting lost and running into every side and wall possible. It feels like 7 million pneumatic drills going off in harmony, over and over again. Periods aren’t fun, periods are painful and messy and a fucking irritant to be honest.

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This happens. Waking up and having a surprise visit from the period fairy or your pad’s moved. It happens to everyone and people who tell you it’s never happened to them is a liar. It’s the worst, stained bedding, pants, mattress, just blood stained everything. One positive however is we do know how to get blood out of clothes. Why do you think less women get caught on murder charges? We are trained to get rid of blood from things at an early age.

PMS. Our emotions shift, we are messes. It has been known for me to eat large bags of crispy m & m’s and cry over the old guy and his dog in the Hovis advert because he reminds me of my Grandad’s.

Plus we all have different names for our time of the month, for example mine is “SHARK WEEK”, some of my friends call it gypsy week, because if you stick your hands in your pant’s your palm red. I mean if we have to bleed once a month from our teen years til we are over 50, we shouldn’t we have some fun with it? It’s also fun to watch the blood run down the drain, as if I am washing the blood of my enemies away, I guess anything to deal with the fact my body is ripping it’s self apart.

Sometimes we just want to sit and cry, sometimes we wanna eat a ton of chocolate and binge watch some shit TV or some times we just wanna bang like crazy. Yup, us ladies get horny as hell on our periods. It’s just one of those things.

Sneezing is also touch and go at best, you have no idea what is going on and if the blood from The Shining elevator just came out your vag or if you just pee’d. It’s honestly the worst. Everyone has that touch and go moment where you aren’t sure what has just happened and if it’s safe to move or not.

Let’s just discuss the worst feeling in the world, the dry tampon. It’s almost like you’re pulling out a wad of sand paper from your vag, seriously the pain is real.

Vagina’s are horrific and brutal and beautiful and strong.

Some of us are also lucky enough to get period shits, for you out there who have no idea what period shits are, they are vile. Pain, blood, more pain, is it your period hurting you or what’s about to happen? Who knows.

Periods suck, simply, but here’s a fun rap video to make it a little bit better;

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