“And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child but she’s always a woman to me
She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you”

Always a women to me – Billy Joel

 

Welcome back.

Today I wanted to get a little open, honest and, vulnerable with you all. I’m going to discuss the flaws of my personality I see when I look in the mirror. I was inspired to do this by my friend Dan, who wrote a beautiful piece about me and mentioned I don’t see my own worth. After reading this, I took a look at myself…

Below I outline what I see, how it impacts me as a person and, what the hell I am doing to fix it. Part of the reason I am writing this piece is because I shut people out, so here I am. I’m letting each of you in, in a really fucking public way.

Let me also say I am doing this for myself. This is my way of showing myself walking around the world, to ease my troubled mind. I looked at each flaw that I saw and I decided to work on them.

 

If you compliment me about my appearance, I simply wont believe you

This stems from years of bullying. People mocking me about my appearance and my weight.

When someone compliments the way I look my first instinct is that they must be joking. They are setting up for some plan or plot to tear me down. To build me up and knock me down.

I don’t see what others see when they look at me. When someone calls me beautiful, pretty or what not – I honestly think they are saying it out of pity. It’s either pity or they want something from me. Compliment the fat girl and you’ll get what you want.  I always think there is an ulterior motive. For me a compliment is never just a compliment.

When someone talks about me looking nice / pretty etc, I think they are blind. How can you see something that looks anything close to “pretty” when you’re, in fact, looking at a monster? Complimenting me on my “natural beauty” leaves me panicky because actually, you need an eye test friend. There’s nothing pretty about this. There’s nothing beautiful about this fucking mess.

When I look in the mirror that’s just what I see, a fucking mess. Who could find this spare tyre carrying, spotty, depressed, anxiety ridden mess attractive. Move on, get out of here, because honestly – I don’t need your pity compliment. I don’t need your desperation.

I’m not saying this shit for more compliments, I’m saying this shit because this is what goes through my head every time. Bullying in my teen years has completely warped my view on myself. It’s left me not feeling good enough every time I look in the mirror. I put up confident captions on my selfies and I don’t believe a word that I’ve written, but it’s what you’re meant to do right?

So this isn’t just my looks this relates to. This is everything. Every compliment. Recently two of my friends sat me down and told me what I meant to them. I cried. I cried hard. I was crying because their words touched my heart. However I couldn’t believe a word they said, I couldn’t believe I meant that much. I couldn’t accept that I’d impacted someone else’s life in a positive way.

 

What am I doing to fix this shit?

I’m focusing on the bits of myself I do actually like. I have quite nice eyes. My lips are great. Plus I have a cracking rack.

The other bits, well I am working on that.

I am trying to accept compliments without questioning it. This bit will take a while, some people are more believable than others. Sometimes people just think you’re slaying on that day and they want to tell you. I just need to believe that people actually mean the shit they say.

Instead of arguing it, I’m going to start simply saying thank you. Teaching myself not to over think it and just to accept it.

 

 

In my personal life I wont ask for/accept help 

I believe I can tackle everything on my own. Absolutely everything, I am adamant I can do it alone, even when it’s evident I really can’t.

For some reason, I feel like I am showing a weakness if I ask for or accept help. I can’t show weakness and weakness is unacceptable.

I was not raised to be weak. I was raised to be strong. Strong people crack on. They don’t let anyone see them crack. Asking for help is showing a crack.

When it comes to my shit, my grind and my hustle, I know best. Why are you piping up and trying to help? Did I ask for it? No? Cool, butt the fuck out and leave me alone because I don’t care what you have to say. Oh you’re doing it because you care and you can see me spiralling? Still don’t care. Didn’t ask for it, don’t want it. Away with you and get back behind the line no-one asked you to try and cross.

I got this ok? I can do this alone. I am not going to allow myself to be a failure and ask for help.

 

What am I doing to fix this shit?

I am asking for more help because asking for help isn’t even close to a weakness. I’m having to retrain myself to realise this. It takes a strong person to admit they need a hand and everyone does now and again.

I’m going to take this moment to apologise to everyone I’ve pushed away when they tried to help me out when I was hitting a slope. I thought I could do it alone, I really can’t. Next time, I’ll listen. I may not always accept, but it’s something I’ll try and do more. I know you do it because you care and not because you think I’m a complete failure.

 

 

I forgive people who hurt me, then wonder why they do it over and over

This is a huge issue for me. When I let people in, I can see nothing but good in them. They can do shitty things to me, over and over. Break my heart, kick me to the ground, even treat me like a door mat and I let them in, over and over.

I will cry over them. I will give my everything when I only ever receive minimal from them. I will still treat them like they are everything. I would rather raise them up than look after myself.

I give every last piece of myself, baring my soul. Giving everything until I have nothing left, only to be used and abused by some of the people I gave the term friend too.

 

What am I doing to fix this shit?

I’ve become icy with these people. My best friend Henry taught me this. It’s taken years but he finally instilled in me that people who take everything from you aren’t worth your time. When it comes to this, he is the ying to my yang. If I’m ever a little shaky about someone or he can see them sucking the life out of me; he will straight up tell me. He will tell me to cut that person out my life.

He’s helped me to learn who is toxic. Something I am not used to being able to spot. People who bring me down have started being cut from my A team. Ruthless I know, however for my own sanity it needed to happen.

So bye Felicia, you aren’t worth my mental health.

 

I don’t know my own self worth so I take it from the validation of others 

Here’s the big one. I don’t know my own self worth. I need other people to tell me I am doing a good job. I second guess and panic about every aspect of who I am.

Recently I got myself a new job. A dream position. Amazing, right? Most people would be so proud of themselves. Not this gal over here. This girl couldn’t work out why they would offer it to her. I had to talk to the people closest to me to make sure they thought I was worth it, that I deserved it. I needed someone with a logical brain looking at it, making sure that this wasn’t just an accident or a huge mistake.

Every fucking aspect of my life. From my writing, my music and my photography; all things I am incredibly passionate about, I never actually believe I am good enough to achieve anything of note. I look at every word written, every beat played and every photo taken with disparaging eyes.

I think this boils down to a many things. My depression, my past, the bullying, the being cheated on and so much more. Each thing chipping away at my self belief, destroying my own worth until I’ve been left with a level below 0.

Not believing in yourself. Not knowing your own worth. Relying on others to tell you that you’re achieving, that you’re doing a good job is honestly fucking soul destroying.

 

What am I doing to fix this shit?

This one isn’t easy. This one is going to take a lot of work.

Instead of being neurotic about everything I do, I’m going to start trying to believe in my talent. I know I have talent. Others can see my talent. I just need to see it myself.

There is no quick fix for this, this is something I will have to do everyday. I’ve started each day by looking in my mirror and telling myself that I am the shit, I work hard and I deserve everything I get.

 

There is nothing wrong with recognising your flaws. It takes a strong person to realise that they need work and put steps in place to better themselves.

I want to be that strong person, for my own mental health.