Welcome back homies,
Today we are talking about mental health again. It felt important to write this piece as I sit here, dealing with one of the worst head days I have had in a long time.
This morning I couldn’t get out of bed. It’s been a long time since that’s happened. We all have those days where you’re cosy and warm and you don’t want to get up but today was different. Today was a I can’t get up. I can’t see people. I can’t bring myself to pull myself up out of this bed. I lay there from 6.15 to 9.10, willing myself to move. Just to take that first step.
Stood in my bathroom mirror, with just 15 minutes to get ready and get out the door, tears rolled down my face. I looked sad. That’s the best way to explain it. I looked nothing but sad. I didn’t even have the energy to brush my hair. There was no way makeup was happening. A mess is the best way to explain the look I had gone for.
Driving in, I spent my time thinking how easy it would be just to disappear. Drive off and never come back. How easy it would be to remove myself as the burden of everyones lives. I find it hard to reach out when I am like this.
I want to talk to the people that know me. I want to tell them I am going through it, that I am not handling things like I should. Yet, I don’t do it because I don’t want to be a burden on their days and drag them down into my pit of depression.
I want to reach out to my best friends and tell them that I can’t handle my shit. That I need them to tell me it’s going to be ok and I can make it through this day like I have every other, but I can’t be honest. I can’t put them through the same cycle again. The same infinity symbol of devastating lows and blissful highs.
I am not the easiest person to be friends with. I will ghost for what seems like no damn reason. I go missing, the front of Beth taking over and giving short and blunt responses to things. It makes it seem like I don’t care when in fact, I’m just trying to survive the minefield that is my own head.
When I am in these spaces I push people away and it’s something I am trying to work on. As I said before I just don’t want to be a burden. I am very good at writing about my mental health after the episode has happened. Explaining what went on. Now we are in the folds of an episode and I guess I don’t know what to do or what to think. I’m numb. I’m numb to my feeling and numb to the people around me. The fake smile is well and truly plastered on.
Work is always a pleasant distraction in days like these. I can put my head phones on and just focus and lose myself in my work. I can’t sit by myself when I am like this or I get dragged into my own thoughts. I spend my time overthinking and falling further into my pit. I am very lucky that the people around me have clocked when my day isn’t the best. I can feel them trying to raise my spirits even if they don’t know they’re doing it. They say nothing when my obviously tear stained faced comes back from the bathroom. They just let me be me. The good, the bad and the clinically depressed.
My mental health is the demon I fight daily. Some days I win the battle, some days I lose. Some days are better than others. We pray, on the days we lose the fight, tomorrow is a better day. We hope that tomorrow I am stronger.
If you haven’t heard from a friend in a while, reach out. Check if they are ok. Invite them out for a pint. Give them a chance to talk. Give them the chance to talk to you and be open. Don’t let them suffer alone.
If you’re struggling you can reach out to Mind, a mental health charity who specialises in working with you to help manage and deal with your mental health. You can check them out here.
If you’re in need of urgent help, give the Samaritans a call on 116 123.