Well, shit. It’s been just over a year since I wrote anything last, the last time I thought I could do this blogging thing. I guess I have been hit by that “new year, new me” shit or maybe I just realised I am more than the person who told me I couldn’t do this and took my confidence with this blog. I am not promising the same amount of content as before but I can promise content in general. I am back, in what capacity, who knows but I look pretty good for a dead bitch.

It’s been three years since I left my marriage, it’s been two since my divorce became final and it’s time to talk about the healing I’ve done over this time.

For those who knew me during this time, I was a mess. I was out partying, finding every excuse possible I could not be at home and deal with the issues within that house. I would be out til 2/3am most nights and somehow holding down a full-time job. I’ll be honest, I did some questionable and sketchy shit during this time. I’ll hold my hands up, however, if you’re running away from who you are and a toxic and loveless home – you’ll do anything to just feel something.

I had vapid friendships with people who didn’t really care about me and how I was doing, but this is how I like it. When I finally left my husband, I lost a lot of these friends; which I now see as a huge positive for my healing process.

I was having panic attacks every single day, I couldn’t breathe and I was likely a month from completely removing myself from this planet. That’s pretty wild looking back at that. I continued to party, run away from my problems, and get more and more mentally unwell. I was sick. I was broken. I had lost my sparkle.

Then came what I thought was the worst day of my life, but it actually turned into the biggest blessing. I left a toxic, negative space. For those who helped me through this, you’ll know the ins and outs of how bad my marriage was. How much it altered me as a person. The fact I have had to have intensive therapy to heal from all that went on. I left my marriage and the party-girl lifestyle in an attempt to heal each tear in my personality and every break in my mental health.

I have to say, during this phase of my life, I hurt a lot of people. There were a few people whom I met who genuinely tried to help me but I hadn’t opened up to them. I hadn’t opened up to myself. I didn’t realise how bad everything was, I wanted to keep running because it was easier. To those people, I just want to say how sorry I am, you tried to save me but I didn’t know I needed saving. I am thankful for you.

Now on to the healing. When you leave a toxic relationship there is a chance you will get bombarded with messages from the other person, which is what happened to me. I was receiving over 200 messages a day. Now let me tell you, it is not easy to move on a heal when the person in constant contact with you, wants to know your every move and who you’re talking to. Cutting contact unless it was divorce-related was the best thing I could have ever done for my own mind.

I started therapy. I worked through years of issues and realised some adjustments I had to make to become who I was before, only improved. I tell you now, therapy isn’t easy. You’ll talk about every worst possible bit of each part of your life and you’ll want to quit, but it’s honestly the best thing I have done to be a better person and not let the things that happen to me become my own personal blockages.

As I healed, I met someone who supported me in every step of my healing process. I never set out to meet someone. I joined Tinder to be a giant slagthor to be quite honest. I was gonna bang my way across Hampshire and Surrey. I was on the fucking thing for three hours and this really cute boy super liked me. I had no fucking idea what that meant because I am old. I guess you could call us a Tinder success story because three years later, we have our two cats, in our own home and are doing as much traveling as we can. So blog, I like to formally introduce you to my very handsome partner Gabriel – photo below.

Did well, didn’t I! Here’s the thing no one tells you when you get into a new relationship after leaving a super toxic shitty one… you’re on edge about everything. This poor boy has to hear “are you ok?” around 50 times a day from me. The slight shift in mood and I’m panicking I am going to be broken up with. After 3 years, he is still as patient and as kind as the first day we met.

The other thing is the constant apologising. Coming from a place where even breathing weird means you’re stuck in an argument, you over apologise for simply existing. I apologise for making the slightest bit of noise or even eating because I still have the hang-up that I am going to be shouted at for whatever I do. It’s one of the worst fall outs from my toxic situation, I still don’t feel safe just being me. That’s nothing to do with my wonderful, supportive partner, he couldn’t be better, its coming to terms that I don’t need to apologise for simply being alive.

The worst thing is the flinching, it takes one time of someone laying their hands on you for that fear to really get instilled. We could be play fighting and I will flinch like I fear for my life. It causes panic and flashbacks and there we are having a panic attack again.

What people don’t realise is that you are forever changed after a toxic relationship. You can heal but you’re always slightly more cautious than you ever were before. I am very lucky that I didn’t fall into the rhythm of one toxic relationship after another. I still feel terrible for Gabriel, who has to deal with my emotional monitoring and panic attacks. I feel lucky that even despite this, he loves me anyway.

I now feel happier to be at home and curled up with the man I love, I’d rather be hanging out with friends and having a night in that finishes at 9pm than out drinking my sadness away. That’s hugely down to all the steps I have taken to become happier but also to my wonderful partner. Gabriel, my love, without you, I wouldn’t feel as loved and safe as I do now. I am grateful for you and I appreciate everything you have done to support me on my healing journey.

So yeah… there has been some healing over the past three years and only one serious mental breakdown. I’m proud of each of you who have left a toxic relationship and I am proud of you of those who are making moves to leave. You’re amazing.

If you’re stuck in a toxic relationship and don’t know what to do, I beg you; reach out to someone close who can help. You will be better off out of where you are, please trust me. Please know you’re loved.

For those who are worried about their partner, or are worried about a friend or family member, remember Clare’s Law is an option. You can read about that here.