I’m going to start by saying this isn’t easy to write. This subject I’m going with in this blog isn’t to hurt or harm, it’s just a space for me to a) get my feelings out b) share my experience c) write what I know because I pay to host this website so I can write what I like.

The reason I’m saying this is because the likely hood someone sends this to my mother is high and that’s fine. It literally is what it is. If you choose to send this to my mother, then that’s weird but you do you.. just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not just “look what your child wrote about you this time”.

It’s pretty common knowledge that I am no contact with my mother. For anyone that is no contact with a parent, you’ll know it’s not an easy decision. It’s not something you do because of a light argument. As a child, cutting off all contact with a parental figure is one of the hardest things you can do.

I haven’t seen my mother in person since Aug 2021 when I played my first ever show where she lives. The last time we spoke was October 2023 when she called me out the blue from a number I didn’t know, before that it was March 2023 – again from a number I didn’t know.

It’s weird. It’s almost like I’m mourning someone who is still breathing. It’s like I am grieving someone who is still walking around freely.

Every holiday, birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas it’s like an empty space of a loved ones who gone but actually only lives 3 hours down the road.

A lot of people throw the “but she’s your Mum, why can’t you just forgive and move on” “oh you should totally just put that aside” “oh come on she’s your mum” – but at what point do you protect yourself and your own mental health? When do you finally respect the boundaries you have set over and over again? What are you meant to do when your mental space is better when that person isn’t in contact with you freely?

Do you know how much it hurts to know my mother won’t be doing up my wedding dress (yeah alright it will be for the second time but whatever… shut up). That she didn’t know that I’d moved in with Gabriel. She won’t be a part of my kids lives should we ever choose to have them. My mother doesn’t even know my favourite colour or meal. Has met my boyfriend once and we have been together 3 years.

You have no idea how many hours I’ve cried over that. How many hours I’ve cried about why I’m not good enough, why I wasn’t special enough, why I wasn’t the kid that she wanted me to be.

Gabriel continuously has to pick up the pieces for weeks after my mother calls. I’m continuously panicking when my phone rings. I’m on edge and my mental health drops so incredibly and that’s why I can’t have her in my life.

I see people on my social media who have sadly lost their parents and their genuine pain from loosing their best friend is something I will never understand. I lost my best friend years ago. It’s so strange to think that the person who literally wanged me into the world, knows nothing about me. I struggle with strong mother/child relationships. It’s not something I’m used too or know.

It’s strange that the person who should celebrate everything I’ve achieved makes me feel so much shame around it. I was made to feel shame around my blog for example. That’s why I stopped writing. I’m struggling to shake that, but I’m trying. I really am.

I think that for the foreseeable future, we will continue to be no contact… Not without a huge change. If you have a great relationship with your ma look after that.

Cool, Beth out.