An open letter to my mother

Dear Birth Giver,

Let me start by saying, I will never forgive you for that time you made me get a spray tan and I became more orange than a cracker packet, I will also never forgive you for the time you made me get a pixie crop at 21.

I know I wasn’t the easiest growing up. I know you struggled with all the teenage angst, with the moods, the fighting, the rebelling against nothing at all. All the snapback, catty comments, comments under my breath and sass you received from me wasn’t always justified. I am aware of that.

I know I should have respected you more because at the end of the day, you’re just a person who became a parent and worked it out as you went along. I didn’t get that as a teenager.

You were my number one enemy, the person who stopped me going out and having fun but as I’ve grown I realise you were protecting me. Stopping me from getting in situations that put me in danger. It seemed like you were just dampening my spirit, when in reality, you were making sure I didn’t end up in harms way, making poor choices and living with some regret.

It took me far to long to see that you were actually my best friend and my confidant growing up.

You listened to my drunken ramblings about the lack of health and safety in music videos, you dealt with me falling into your bedroom at 3am to discuss the fact the youth of today hate sprouts and would this mean that people would stop growing them because peoples love of them no longer existed and you laughed with me as I ran about the house in the middle of the night as an intoxicated adult with my bed covers as a cape, with my Harry Potter wand, shouting spells at everything I came across.

I never appreciated the open door policy you had, until I became an adult and adopted the same policy within my own home. You were always the cool parent to everyone else, I just didn’t see it. The fact you let my friends come over when ever, the fact you let people stay when they were struggling in their own homes – sometimes for months, the fact you didn’t bollock us for smoking in the back garden with a bottle of cider at 16 because you would rather we were somewhere safe than in a park somewhere drinking until we were face down in a river. I may have also got you in trouble with some of the parents, so, sorry about that.

I have realised I get my creative side from you. You are an incredibly talented artist. I don’t know if you simply forgot that, or life just got in way, but it is something that I have always wished you’d pick up again. You gave me my love for music and art. You taught me to be open minded and love freely without judgement and expectation.

You let me play the drums, to the dismay of the neighbours, who I am pretty sure still hate me now because of it. You suggested it, turning me away from guitar because you knew I’d get frustrated and give up when I couldn’t get it, turning me on to the instrument that 16 years later; I still adore and still play. Without your encouragement and patience when I sounded beyond shit, playing wake me up when September ends over and over,  I wouldn’t now play in a band with people I love. I now consider the fact I can keep a beat quite the talent.

I know you struggled when you left my other birth giver. You struggled with the whole thing and I didn’t make it easy. I resented you and I showed it. I understand it now, I really do and I respect you for making a change when you weren’t happy because some people are never brave enough to actually take the jump. I mean, I will never agree with the way you left but I understand why you did it that way and I am proud of you for everything you overcame during that time. We haven’t always had the strongest relationship since. I know that and you know that, but we do out best.

You taught me to be strong, you taught me that no ones opinion but mine matters when it comes to my own happiness, you taught me to walk through this life with integrity and grace. You taught me that it’s ok to be a crazy unicorn weirdo (your words, not mine) and you taught me that not everyone is going to like me but that’s ok.

I wish you could see how strong you are because it’s there, you just keep missing it. I wish you could see the way I do. I wish you would hold yourself in the same regard as I hold you. I wish you knew that when people upset you, I am willing to do a life term in prison. Most of all, I miss your confidence because you gave me mine and you deserve to be confident in everything you do, because you’re bomb.

Seriously look at you. YOU ARE AMAZING, thats why creepy dudes ask if we are sisters when we go out. You’re a damn super star and in my eyes; no-one will be good enough for you. Ever.

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And last but not least, cheers for chucking me out your womb and not naming me something ridiculous. Without you, none of the bad ass bitch you see today would be possible.

Love,

Your favourite child, doesn’t matter that I’m the only one.

P.S Sorry I got so many tattoos

P.S Sorry I used a photo from my childhood, you hate any photo I take, so I had to get creative.

P.S Going to raid your closet when I next come up, not sorry about this one.

 

 

 

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