Today I wanted to talk abut letting someone into your world when your incredibly closed off.
If like me, you’re fiercely independent – you may also struggle with letting someone see anything past the hard exterior you show the world. You spend so long putting those walls up, bricking yourself in; making sure you’re only showing the strong, tough, sassy side of yourself. You prefer being the island, floating alone because that way you don’t get hurt.
So when someone comes along who takes a pickaxe to your defences – romantically or as a friend – someone who wants to get behind those carefully built walls and really know you, it can be really hard not to put more bricks in the place of the ones they are tearing away.
I can openly admit that I struggle to let new people in, I can also admit I struggle to let in people who have known me a long time; basically I struggle to let people see me at my most vulnerable level. This is because being vulnerable with someone, truly terrifies me.
Imagine ten brick circles with me standing in the middle. Some people chip through the first few circles and are happy with the version they receive so don’t chip any further, there are some who chip further but more bricks are put in their place, because I am not willing to show them more. Some people don’t chip at all, just standing on the outside layer; knowing nothing but the sassy, whisky drinking person that stands before them.
Then there is the people who may not mean to chip. They accidentally chip and the wall just crumbles. Then they hit another wall and you somehow make the choice to let them see slightly more so you help them take that wall down, you have no idea if its a good idea or even if they even want to see that much but for some reason they make you feel comfortable and safe but you never let them all the way in.
They may not even know that they make you feel that but still, you let them in. They are the people who get closest to your vulnerable level but still you don’t let them all the way in, in fear of rejection and hurt.
I will never understand how those people make it so far into my world. Each of them different, each of them seeing a side that I hide. They see my quirks, my bad days. They know my secrets and the way my brain works. They know why I react the way I do to certain situations or even why I cover my face when I’m embarrassed; yet I still keep them at arms length. I still never give myself fully because that means showing someone what an actual mess I really am, you can see snippets of my emotion and my weakness but you’ll never see it all.
Why am I saying all of this?
Because people struggle to connect with me on a deeper level and it’s because I don’t leave the door open for them.
Be patient with people who struggle with intimacy and being open. You may never get to see everything they have, you may never get to see them truly vulnerable but the bits they do let you see makes it worth it. It means they trust you and want you to see more than just the wall they put up and if you really want to know them keep chipping.