I just want to break down for you why I have been missing for a little while. June was a shit month in the world of Kiss of Beth’s. From the death of my beloved cat, my northern grandfather having a stroke and the passing of my southern grandfather – I hope you can all understand why I took a little bit of a break to focus on myself and my family. This piece is dedicated to my southern Grandfather, Big G.
However during my break KOB did turn one! That’s right, my little mind melt project turned the big ONE! I’d like to take this moment to thank everyone who has supported the blog over the past year, the bands who let me write about them and the people who bother to read my pieces. Thank you so very very much. It honestly means the world that you give a shit about what I write.
So let’s get to the subject I have decided to write about today, grief. This seemed apt as my returning piece.
Grief is a fucker.
When you lose someone or something you love or care about, the emotion that is grief changes us. It can be an incredibly overwhelming feeling.
I for one deal with the grief with terrible jokes, drinking and removing myself from my friends and family and isolating myself until I can handle being around the people I love again.
I also get incredibly angry. I get angry that the world has lost someone as incredible as the person I have had in my life. The worst part is I get angry and snappy with everyone around me. This is another reason I isolate myself away.
Drinking as I mentioned earlier is a huge way I deal with loss. It shouldn’t be but yet, that’s what I do. I drink and drink until the pain is numbed. Then I cry. Then I drink more. Then I tend to try and escape, literally escape. I will run. I will run away, I will run away from people because I just want to be alone in my sadness.
There is no quick, easy or simple fix to loss. It could take weeks, months or even years for the pain not to be at the forefront of your mind. You have to allow yourself to heal and allow yourself to feel sad.
I’m also a total crier. It’s one of the only times I’ll be caught crying in public. My emotions spill over and I can’t control when it happens.
There are multiple models for the different stages of grief, one of these says there are seven stages of grief:
- Shock and Denial
- Pain and Guilt
- Anger and Bargaining
- Depression, Reflection and Loneliness
- The Upward Turn
- Acceptance and Hope
If you’re struggling with loss, counselling can help. There is no shame in going to see a councillor and talking about how you feel and what you’re struggling with.
If you have lost someone close to you, let me send you some love now. I feel you. I see you. My heart is with you because I know how much it hurts. Dealing with sadness, you do need support from others. I’m here for you. You can drop me a message here and let’s talk about it.
I guess I’ve written this piece today because I really struggled with the loss of my Grandad. I’m in the acceptance and hope stage, so I felt strong enough to tell you all I was struggling with losing him.
Rodney Lock was an angel on this earth, he was a prankster and my fucking hero. The loss of him from my life will leave a hole forever more; but he wouldn’t want me to be sad. He would want me to continue writing and playing with my band.
He supported my music and my band so fully. The day before he died he ask me to bring The Blood Buzzards over to his house so he could hear us play. He passed an hour before sound check for one of our gigs and I am so thankful for both my band mates Tom and Damo who without them, I would not of been able to get up on stage and play that evening. Tom’s wife Sam, who cuddled me when I cried and let me know it would all be alright. We played for him that night. He would of been so proud and I know he was there watching over me.
I would like to thank the other bands and Fred Irwin who put the evening on that night. They were all so kind to me in one of my most difficult periods. My friends who pulled up that night and supported not only my music but my emotional struggle.
I would also like to give a full heart of thanks to the Rosemary Foundation and everything they did for my Grandad. Without whom, he wouldn’t have been able to spend his final weeks at home. The place he spent many happy years with my Grandma, Wendy. The home in which he raised his only son, my father, Robin. The home in which I spent many many happy years growing up myself.
The Rosemary Foundation is a Charity providing a ‘Hospice at Home’ service in Petersfield and the surrounding towns and villages. It is intended to help patients in the latter stage of life limiting conditions.
This service offers practical help, nursing care, emotional and counselling support, together with day and night sitting service and trained nurses available 24 hours a day. Care continues through the first year of bereavement.
The Rosemary Foundation receives no statutory funding but provides a valuable service at no cost to the patient or their family.
The services of the Rosemary Foundation are free of all charge to patients and carers
On behalf of the Rosemary Foundation, my family and I have set up a just giving page in my Grandfather Rodney’s name. You can donate to this here.
Thank you for reading this piece, as personal as it is. I am back.
1930 – 2019