“I’m so in love with you,
And I hope you know,
Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold”
Say You Won’t Let Go – James Arthur
Welcome back home slices.
Today I wanted to talk about love. Now I’ve written and deleted this piece so many times because apparently I find love difficult to write about. So I find myself in The Redan in Wokingham, latte in hand, soppy playlist on; attempting to write this piece… again.
So I guess I’m going to make this piece bout what love is to me. I’m not talking about the love you have for friends and family. Personally I sprinkle that shit around like confetti. I’m talking about straight up love. When you want to give your whole heart and being to a person. The love that you see in movies. That beautiful, pure love. However, everyone knows love isn’t easy. It’s not all silver screen moments and roses. Real love takes work and compromise.
Thinking about it, I have truly loved four people in my life. At 28, that’s quite a lot, I suppose. Those are people who broke my walls down, destroyed the bitch persona that I give off to the world. They know who they are, I made sure each of them knew.
One of my issues has always been been believing anyone could actually love me back. I guess Halsey said it best in Sorry with the lyrics “sorry that I can’t believe that anybody ever really, starts to fall in love with me”
I always question why. I’ve always believed there is nothing that anyone could deem loveable. I suppose that’s my own issues within my head. How could anyone fall in love with someone who has such mental heath issues, looks like I do and has such a guard up? I take every I love you with a pinch of salt, as if it could be snatched away at any moment. Love is something I never thought I actually deserved. I don’t think I’ve ever actually admitted that, but there it is. I will never really understand how I am loved.
Watching the breakdown of my parent’s marriage salted my view on love, I think. Two people who I loved so dearly; no longer felt that way about each other. The love fell apart. I was old enough to understand what was going on. I had to watch the broken hearts from both sides. I think that added an extra layer around my heart. One made of enforced materials, that made it all the harder for anyone to get in. I could love, I knew that. I just couldn’t let anyone hurt me. The love I saw everyday, just ended horrifically.
Even now, I hold love at an arms length. This isn’t deliberate, it’s not something I want to do. In part I do blame my parent’s divorce for this because I don’t want the same thing to happen to me. The other part? Not a clue. No idea why I feel the need to push people away, even those who do love me.
Love can be a really beautiful thing, please don’t get me wrong. It can be a wonderful, pure and honest thing. I just struggle with it. I struggle with love. I struggle with a feeling that intense. I have felt it, I do feel it, I just can’t always process it.
Sometimes love isn’t always right. It can be toxic, it can hurt you more than give you those warm and squishy feels that you’re meant to get. It can also come at completely the wrong time. That’s one of the worst feelings, loving someone but you can’t do anything about it because of the situation going on around you.
All of this in mind, I know I am loved and I love and have loved with all my heart. Love can hurt but it also can be incredibly beautiful.
I guess what I am trying to say is; love is confusing. Love is hard. Love can cut you and break you…. but it can be worth it.
And incase you haven’t heard it today; I love you.