“I don’t know if you could take it
Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked
I wanna be your baby, baby, baby
Spinning and it’s wet just like it came from Maytag”

Wild Thoughts – Dj Khaled ft. Rihanna, Bryson Tiller

Welcome back my home slices,

After Valentines coming and going; I thought it was time to cover the most sexy of all the topics. Sex. Again. This is the second time round I’m covering the beast with two backs.

If you would like to read my first piece, you can read it here.

Once again, I have come up with and found some of the worst names for sex that I could. Adds a bit of jazz to the piece.

I don’t know about anyone else, but if I know I am about to receive the pokey stick in my ham wallet; I will stare at myself in the mirror for a prolonged amount of time wondering why the fuck anyone would wanna rearrange my guts. Over analysing each bump, lump and curve.

What I have also come to realise is, the person I am sleeping with knows what they are in for. My chubby belly gonna be wobbling as I am getting banged. It’s not a shock to them. They know what they signed up for when it comes to my naked body and they still show up for the ride.

It shouldn’t shock us that people want to see our naked bodies. It shouldn’t shock us that people find our naked bodies attractive and want to push the battered sausage through the fish window. We need to love ourselves and the skin we are in. Honestly, the person you’re yee-whorin’ knows what you look like.

This piece maybe about sex with another person but solo time is also very valid. Sometimes you can’t be dealing with another person when you know you can get the job done yourself. There is nothing wrong with lighting some candles and cranking it solo. You know what makes you feel good, you know what works for you.

I feel like we need to cover the topic of fuck buddies in this. Fuck buddies, friends with benefits or whatever you younglings call it these days is good. It’s fine. Until one of you catches feelings, then you end up ruining a friendship because one person wants way more than the other. If you gunna enter into one of these deals please, for the love of all things fucking sexy, make an agreement prior; that if one of you gets the feels you end it. Take that advice from teenage me who got her heart super duper broken because I didn’t do the above.

Now let’s talk about nudes. If I am feeling myself and I am in my vibe with my body; my nudes are fire. I’m going to toot my own horn on that one. I don’t even take them for anyone; they are just for me because I am feeling like a boss bitch. Especially with my new full leg tattoo (shout out to Jme at The Freakshow in Newbury for this. Check him on insta here) really frames that butt cheek. If I am not on my vibe, however, I have never hated photos of myself more. It’s amazing that a slight change in mood can make me completely hate on my body. I can’t be the only person that happens for right?

Now let me talk about being on top. I dread to think what I look like when someone is below me. I have a visions of me being a badly drawn human version of Miss Piggy, which leads me to my real irrational fear of squashing the person below me. If my chubby ass is bouncing about, like, I don’t wanna crack you; y’know what I mean? This count’s for face sitting too.

What if I smother you to death with my thick old thighs. You’d be slapping about, trying to get me off you, because you’re running out of air; I’ll just be thinking you’re having a great time. This, however, leads me back to one thing. Some people will look at me and the thought of seeing me naked will leave them horrified. Others, will look at me and want to eat my ass like a cupcake; so would find dying under me quite an honour.

My next point, orgasm faces. We rarely see our own orgasm face. I, for one, am pretty sure that my orgasm face looks like a dying seal. It’s a moment where we aren’t even thinking about how we look to the other person. We just don’t think about it. You could have a hilarious orgasm face and you’d never even know it. Just something to think about there.

Off the back of this, my next point is faking it. Why do we bother to fake an orgasm if we aren’t enjoying it. This person wants you to have a good time. You should be able to tell them how they can make the bonking better for you. I have no fear in saying to my sexual partner, do this. Why should I fake enjoyment when it’s far from that? It is 2020 my dudes, join me in this lane, of asking for what makes you ejaculate.

In a similar vein, I’ve always wondered why we feel the need as humans to declare we are about to cum. Personally, it’s a whole “don’t stop what you’re doing please and thank you.”

But what is it for a guy? A courtesy announcement? A chance for the person you’re fucking to politely suggest a place for you to shoot your seed?  Is it a fire in the hole kinda moment for men? Or is it just a you should know this explosion is about to happen kinda thing? Why do you always sound so surprised when you say it, you had to know it was cuming?  If someone could let me know that would be great, it’s a question I’ve always wanted to ask.

This leads me on to my last point, casual sex. Casual sex for anyone is beyond fine. Why do we still chastise people about it. If someone wants to go on Tinder, hook up with someone and never talk to them again, WHY is that an issue???

Once again I advocate for sexual freedom (for all). Eat the pussy, ride that dick and put a finger up that ass as casually as you like.

It’s not a fucking walk of shame the next day, my dudes, it’s a fucking STRIDE OF PRIDE

Have a sexy song to finish with…