“Thought about everything, you were never even wrong in the first place, right?
Yeah, I’ma just ignore you
Walking towards you, with my head down, lookin’ at the ground, I’m embarrassed for you
Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time? That’s parents for you”
Let you down – NF
Welcome back home slices.
Todays blog is a hard one to write. It’s something I find myself in the middle of. Not knowing how to handle it or what to do. So I’m going to do what I do best when I’m feeling some kinda way; I’m going to write about it.
For those who know me personally, you will know I have a some what fractured relationship with one of my parents. You’ll have seen the nights I have spent crying because I don’t understand what’s going on. You’ll have seen the anger from being told by other people who only receive information from this parent saying that I should be the “bigger person”, that I should forgive them. You’ll have seen the depressive, locked away episodes that are brought about from one message from this parent. You’ll have seen the self doubt and questioning that happens because this parent takes every ounce of whatever confidence and self belief was there. You’ll also know how hard this is for me to write.
Because I am your parent will no longer fly with me as an excuse for poor behaviour. Being a parent does not mean you are excused from being held accountable for your behaviour and the things you do / say. I don’t have to watch who I am talking to you or monitor what I say because you had a hand in my existence. I made my own path, my own choices and I don’t need parenting because you don’t agree with how I turned out.
I find it hard to have a conversation with someone who makes everything an argument. You don’t want things to be fixed and nothing will get fixed while every minimal exchange is an attack. For my own sanity and keeping my mental health on a level I can manage; I can’t let myself be dragged back into this enviornment.
I’m an adult. I made my own life. I picked my path and I’m doing well heading down it. I can’t live in fear of a phone call or text. Each time throwing me into a depression hole for weeks. Wondering why I am not good enough as a child for you. Wondering why I wasn’t worth being the number one choice.
It’s hard for me to see other people with good relationships with their parents. I struggle to be around it because it’s something that I don’t have. Seeing that support and love is something I am really missing. I used to be tight with this parent. They were my hero, it’s sad how quick that changed. Now, I just feel alone.
The “I miss you and love you” texts seem like a bait to start another argument. I can’t put my fake face on to respond. I’ve become a ghost because I can’t put myself into another battle. I can’t trust a single message.
This Christmas was the first I spent without seeing my parent in my 28 years. No message. No contact from them. They knew where I would be, they knew where to find me and when. I sent a message. I tried to call. That was a chance for them to fix it if they had really wanted to. Just more proof to me that the “I miss you” shit was just an attempt in conscience clearing.
No matter what is said to me though, no matter how attention seeking, awful and all the other things I’ve been told I am; I still feel like I am the let down. Like I pushed this. I feel like I am the disappointment. It very much feels like “what did I do wrong this time?”
I’ve spoken freely to people about my feelings with my parent, however I think this is the most honest I’ve ever been about it. I will be candid with this, I have cried while writing this piece. It feels like a weight has been lifted. I haven’t had a chance to put my feelings anywhere because they just get argued with.
Maybe, one day, my parent and I will be able to fix it, but honestly, that is not something I see in the near future. Right now, the relationship is way to broken.
This is the song that inspired me to write about this subject today. It’s the song I’ve quoted at the top of the piece. If you have a moment give it a listen; you’ll kinda get why it hit me straight in the feels.
This song will help explain it to people who have good relationships with their parents.
Did I send this to my parent to try and convey how fractured our relationship really is? Yes, yes I did.